Snape Vignettes: Fourth Edition!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Hufflepuff's got a snacktastrophe and SOMEONE put a treehouse in the Whomping Willow.
1. Default Chapter

SEVERUS SNAPE ONLY LIKES DUMBLEDORE ON TUESDAYS  
  
"Oh, hey Albus, what's up?" Snape said offhand as he walked through the halls.  
  
"What?" Professor Dumbledore replied with a quizzical look. He stared at the surly potions master, who was grinning like a maniac from across the hallway.  
  
"Y'know. . . how are you?" Snape tried again. "How's things? You still Headmaster? How's the working out for you?"  
  
Dumbledore seemed flustered for a moment, but then regained his composure and checked his pocket watch. "Oh, that's right," he muttered to himself. "It's Tuesday."  
  
"So you wanna go play some football?" Snape yelled after Dumbledore as he hurried back to his office.  
  
"You're fired!" Dumbledore shouted. 


	2. Revenge of the Goth Girls

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE REVENGE OF THE GOTH GIRLS  
  
"This is SO the last straw," Snape yelled as he nailed loose plywood over his door from the inside. He paused to listen to the scratching on the roof. He ran to the fireplace and looked up the chimney.  
  
Several thousand freaky goth girls were repelling down the chimney flue, using the natural clingy tenacity of their PVC spiked-heeled platforms to get traction against the brick walls. 80's lunchboxes clanging ominously, they descended from above like a black cloud of. . .well, black stuff.  
  
"Eat this, you Lestat-loving bastards," Snape laughed insanely as he lit a blazing fire inside the fireplace. The smell of burning black spandex filled the room. Agonized shrieks rent the countryside as the goth girls escaped back onto the roof, their arm warmers melted to their skin. Snape laughed again and charged out a window, brandishing a Lady Wesson handgun and firing at random.  
  
"Don't do it, Snape!" several thousand freaky goth girls yelled. "Even though it only makes you more of a tragically violent and misunderstood character!"  
  
"I'M NOT MISUNDERSTOOD, YOU FREAKS!" he screamed. "I'm just a jerk! Do you hear me! I'M A MEAN-SPIRITED JERK!" 


	3. He Tells it Like it Is

SEVERUS SNAPE TELLS IT LIKE IT IS  
  
"You just. . . aren't really that great," Snape admitted to the house of Hufflepuff. He hated to say it, but if no one else was. . .oh, what the hell. He didn't hate it at all. He loved being first-rate non- denominational bitter.  
  
"You're kind of lame," he added.  
  
"But. . . but we're dedicated! And hard workers!" the Hufflepuffs said uncertainly. "We're the House of loyalty!"  
  
"Yeah, right," Snape smirked, "you're the house that's sponsored by delicious confections."  
  
The Hufflepuffs hung their head.  
  
"That's true," they said, passing out fudgy cake slices amongst themselves. 


	4. That's just weird!

SEVERUS SNAPE AND A SLASH PANEL ABOUT HIM  
  
(written after Nimbus 2003)  
  
"So what we really know about Snape is only derived to what we read in the official canon," the moderator summed up, while a group of a hundred or so rapt congoers sat on the floor in front of her. There was a round of applause and cheers.  
  
"Excuse me," Snape muttered as he made his way into the door of the convention room. He edged through the crowd and seated himself in the corner, next to a pair of Ravenclaw-bedecked girls who commenced staring at him in total fascination.  
  
"And now," the moderator continued with a sly wink, "the topic you've all been waiting for. . . SLASH FICTION DISCUSSION!"  
  
Wild cheers and hollers erupted from the mostly all-female attendance. Several girls began chanting lewd phrases that sounded suspiciously as though they contained the name Draco.  
  
Snape shifted uncomfortably in his chair. 'What does 'slash' mean?" he asked a girl next to him. She continued to stare fixedly at him, not saying a word. Snape glared at her and turned back to the discussion.  
  
"So," one girl in the audience asked hesitantly, her face glowing in embarrassment, "what does everyone think of. . . of Snape and. . . HARRY? Like. . .together?" There were more screams of approval from the audience.  
  
"Together where?" Snape asked out loud. "Isn't this panel part of the Feline Fanciers' Convention?" He nervously tried to edge out of his seat towards the door, but the crowd kept him firmly pressed in his seat. More girls were now excitedly chattering and waving their hands in crude gestures.  
  
"I think that Snape really just needs someone to turn to, because of his isolated life, and thus he naturally would open up to one of his students. . . Harry being the best candidate," the moderator answered blithely, while Snape fidgeted even more.  
  
"Sexually speaking," she added.  
  
"THAT'S IT!" Snape shouted, his face burning red. "I am SO out of here!"  
  
"And get your foot OUT of my pant leg!" he screamed at the girl next to him. 


	5. Thanks a LOT, Lupin

REMUS LUPIN EATS THE GOVERNMENT CHEESE  
  
"This is actually not that bad," Remus said as he munched on a large wheel of bright yellow cheese. A crate labeled "Surplus" stood open beside him. He paused to pick a dubious fleck of brown from the rind.  
  
"Being poor isn't actually that bad, when you consider you get government surplus every Friday," he muttered as he plowed through a second wheel. "Although by the time I get it, it's quite frankly past its prime."  
  
Snape suddenly strode into the teacher's lounge, toting a basketful of otters, six Abba records and a large inflatable couch.  
  
Spotting Lupin seated in front of the blazing fire, he stopped short, then threw the otters down in frustration.  
  
"Great!" he yelled. "Just GREAT! I was about to do the most unbelievably funny Snape Vignette EVER, and you ruined it with your cheese story! Apparently this is no longer the Snape Vignettes, it's the idiot Cheese Vignettes! Well hooray for you, Loopy, you ruined it! Happy now?"  
  
He stomped off in a huff. The otters, left to their own devices, immediately raided the box of surplus cheese. 


	6. You Know, that One Guy

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THAT ONE GUY  
  
"Hey, um. . ." Snape suddenly said at dinner one night. Several teachers paused and looked down the table expectantly. There was a moment of silence.  
  
"Well?" MacGonagall snapped. Snape looked perplexed.  
  
"Um," he tried again, "you know that. . .that one guy? That guy with the. . .the thing, that one time. . ."  
  
"No, I don't believe we've met," Dumbledore answered serenely, turning his attention back to his dinner. But Flitwick frowned at the table and then looked back up again.  
  
"I think. . .wait, I DO know that guy!" he exclaimed. "He's a small guy, right? Eyepatch, tattoo of a birdcage on his neck, drives a giant hot dog car, wears a Burger King crown all the time?"  
  
"No, no, that's not the guy," Snape waved his hand impatiently, "the guy I'm thinking of is totally different. He's like. . .he was standing next to that one dude at that last thing we all went to, remember?"  
  
Sinistra snapped her fingers with an air of recognition. "I've got it," she said. "it's that one guy who always goes down to the Y-Mart and smells all the towels and then donates fifty cents to the March of Dimes directly afterwards."  
  
"No, that's not him either, geez," Snape snapped. Sinistra looked pouty. "Well. . .then that must be some other guy," she answered huffily.  
  
"It must be," Snape muttered, "because I know that guy and. . .well, and that's not him, so there." He kicked the leg of the table moodily. "I KNOW you all know him," he continued, "he's that one guy with the thing, and he went to that place and got something there from. . .from somebody, I forget who, but he was THERE, and that's all there is to it."  
  
"Wait. . .is he that guy with the white face and the crazy bloodshot eyes? Likes to talk to snakes? Has a club of death-people following him around?" Lupin asked mildly. Snape slapped the table and laughed. "YEAH, that's him!" he shouted at once. "What the hell was his name?"  
  
"That's Lord Voldemort," Lupin replied with some surprise. Snape settled back in his chair triumphantly.  
  
"Yeah, that's they guy I was thinking about," he said in a satisfied tone. There was a slight pause.  
  
"So. . .WHAT ABOUT HIM?" MacGonagall asked impatiently.  
  
"That guy scares the crap out of me," Snape finished.  
  
-----  
  
(Author note: I am being the big sneaky thing and hiding my real name in this story, so SEE IF YOU CAN FIND IT! And no fair people reviewing and telling what it is if you already know :P) 


	7. Time To Hit the Mall!

SEVERUS SNAPE AND ONE HELLA SUMMER VACATION  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Snape squealed as he bolted out the front gates of Hogwarts.  
  
"SumervacationsummervacationsummervacationSUMMERVACATION!" he added at the top of his lungs. Students jumped aside as he tore down to the Hogsmeade train station, papers and quills flying from his satchel bag. He hopped nimbly onto the platform and practically flew through the door of the Hogwarts Express.  
  
"Man, I am SO looking forward to this summer," he sighed as he plonked himself down in the seat next to Ron and Harry. "I'm gonna do all kinds of awesome things. . .go to the beach, see a bunch of cool new movies. . ."  
  
"Um, professor," Ron started.  
  
"Eat at Appleby's like, EVERY night," Snape continued. "I swear, I could totally live there. I hope the 'rents don't make me get a job. That would SO suck."  
  
"Professor, do you actually have a house?" Harry asked. "I thought teachers at Hogwarts. . .you know. . .lived at the castle during the summer." The train began to grind into motion, blaring its whistle loudly.  
  
Snape froze, wide-eyed. "Oh crap," he muttered. Hogsmeade's platform began to disappear into the distance. Snape jumped to his feet.  
  
"STOP THE TRAIN!" he shrieked out the window.  
  
-------- Author's note: In that last vignette when I said my name was somewhere in it, I was in fact referring ONLY to that chapter. Mad props to those who guessed Serene and Wesson, but no cigar. Here's a fun clue:  
  
My first is the fourth of summer snow,  
  
My fourth is the first of the last place you go.  
  
My fifth is the second in at the same time,  
  
My last is the third of rhythm and rhyme.  
  
Ok.that's not so much a clue as it is another riddle. But it will GIVE you a clue if you solve it. ( What do you want? I'm a sucker for riddles! 


End file.
